Have you ever had so much good sex that your genitals begin to protest? For the record, you can’t “ruin a vagina” by stretching it out via sex — sex isn’t going to make it looser. You can, however, bruise your cervix. Or, on a more romantic note, have such good sex while pregnant that you mistake squirting for water breaking and rush to the emergency room. Lost anal toys, meanwhile, are no joke (which is why it’s crucial to use butt plugs with wide, flared bases to prevent your rectum from sucking them up). Ahead, six people share sex mishaps that ended up in the emergency room. Consider these “do not do” examples of getting down.

Truly Knee-Trembling

“I was on top, and I think I was trying to be a little too adventurous. I played soccer through high school and college, so I already knew that my right knee had been dislocated before. This time I was on top, and I think I was just trying to switch from being on my knees to the actual heel of my feet. I did the switch, and it was fine. But then I shifted to the right, and my knee came out of the socket.” — Lola, 31

A Near-Birth Experience

“Our daughter was due soon, but there were no signs of her being on her way, so my wife Ann and I had a round of lovely sex that focused on hitting her G-spot repeatedly. After a few nice orgasms, Ann came so hard that she squirted a lot. We had to go to the E.R. because we thought her water broke. I was so mortified, as the nurses were all in [their] mid 20s, asking Ann what made her think that her water broke. I was beet red!” — Bill, 36

Attack of the Flowers

“I was having sex for the first time in a while. I have one of those bed frames that doubles as a bookcase, so you can pile a ton of shit on it. I kept a vase with roses on it. I bought myself flowers for my bedroom as part of my self-care routine. Anyways, this guy was over, and we were having pretty vigorous sex in the missionary position. I felt so blissed out and happy. I was finally getting laid with someone that I liked a lot. All of a sudden everything goes black for a minute and then when I come to it there’s water everywhere, and my head is pounding. It was bleeding, too. The glass flower vase fell right smack on my head. I felt really woozy and kept forgetting things, and my head was bleeding so we went to the E.R. to make sure — and I did have a concussion. It was worth it to get laid, though, and my partner impressed me with how he handled the situation.” — Lillith, 29

Emergency Sign

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Big Dick Problems

“I was dating a flight attendant, and she had a flight to South America the next day. We had slept together the night before, and I guess I had hit her cervix [with my nine-inch dick]. So she was really uncomfortable during the flight, and it got worse. She got sent to the E.R. when she got there; she just thought she was cramping and ended up getting misdiagnosed as having a form of pelvic infection. They put her on so many antibiotics. When she got back, we went to her gynecologist together, and it turned out I had bruised her cervix, and she was bleeding from just really rough sex.” — Rosco, 33

Hot Bondage

“So I wanted to tie my girlfriend up and go down on her. I had bought some rope to experiment, and thinking I was being resourceful, tied her hands to a pole near her bed in her apartment. I didn’t realize that pole was a heater. Don’t trust old New York apartments for bondage! She was tied up, and I was going down on her. It was going well, and she was moaning, and all of a sudden moans turned into screams, and I remember thinking, “I’m not that good” — and realized these were not screams of pleasure. The heater and turned on and her hands were being burned. Of course, now I can’t untie the stupid knot I used to tie her up. By the time I finally got her undone, the poor thing was burned pretty badly. The burns were so bad and she was in so much pain, we had to go to the E.R. for them to be treated. She still has scars today, on her hands, which are a pretty visible place, and I feel awful that she has a permanent reminder of the incident.” — Sam, 20

Those Aren’t Anal Beads

“I bought something at some cheap sex toy story that looked like anal beads to me but I later learned [were] actually Ben Wa Balls. They just had a [little] string like a tampon at the end. Anal can be scary for me anyways, because I tense up and always feel like I have to poop, but I was really determined to get into it, so I got these Ben Wa Balls.

“My boyfriend was across the country, and we were having Skype sex and I put them in for him and couldn’t get them out. I really started to panic, which made it worse, and I lost the tail up inside of me. I was so embarrassed, and my boyfriend wasn’t there to help me and was telling me over the computer to calm down, but I just freaked and went to the E.R. I was sobbing and couldn’t handle it and it was so uncomfortable, so I took some of my anti-anxiety meds, and then I started to calm down. I [got] to the hospital and ended up going to the bathroom and squatting over the toilet, and had a little poop baby and pushed it out in the bathroom…” — Tracy, 26


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